Takeaways from the book “The Courage to Be Disliked”

Introduction

I chose the book because it was on my friends’ reading list and had a clickbait title. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into: the book covers an area (psychology) that I was unfamiliar with, and my progress was slow and agonizing. I was glad that I persevered: the book was refreshing and illuminating, and postulated an approach on how we can find happiness and self-fulfillment.

Book Summary

“The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a philosophical dialogue that explores the teachings of Alfred Adler, a contemporary (though a less famous one) of Freud and Jung. The book is structured as a conversation between a philosopher and a young man seeking answers about life and happiness. Through their dialogue, the philosopher introduces Adler’s theory of Individual Psychology, emphasizing the idea that happiness comes from embracing self-acceptance, personal freedom, and social contribution.

Central to the book is the concept that we all have the power to change our lives and find happiness, regardless of our past experiences. The philosopher argues that one’s unhappiness is often self-imposed, stemming from a fear of being disliked by others and the desire for approval. By letting go of these fears and accepting oneself, individuals can achieve true freedom, build meaningful relationships, and contribute to the community, leading to happiness and self-fulfillment.

Takeaways

After some reflections, I share here my three takeaways from the book:

1. “The important thing is not what we are born with, but what use we make of our experiences.”

Under Adlerian Psychology, we are not controlled by our emotions or our past experiences. Instead, we give meaning to our experiences, set our goals, and work towards them.

What we can do?

• Discard the victim mentality. We should not use past experiences, including traumas or negative events, as excuses for why we cannot move forward. We cannot blame our unhappiness on what has happened or on others. Instead, seek happiness by focusing on the purpose we are working towards.
• View challenges as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles, and approach them with a positive and proactive mindset. This shift in perspective will allow us to grow and be more resilient.
• Live in the present. We should focus on the present moment rather than dwell on the past or worry about the future. Life is a journey in which the process is also part of the outcome. Embracing the now will allow us to experience life more fully and appreciate what’s in front of us.

“One lives not to satisfy other people’s expectations, but to accept oneself and strive to be better for oneself.”

Adlerian Psychology is about changing oneself; it is not for changing others. It necessitates that we first accept and like ourselves, feel that we have worth, and believe we have the ability to improve ourselves.

What we can do?

• Let go of the desire for recognition from others. Do not be concerned with other people’s judgments: this can make us less happy because we are trying to live up to others’ expectations instead of our own. By focusing on intrinsic goals, we can find deeper satisfaction.
• Embrace the courage to overcome the fear of being disliked. When we accept the possibility of being disliked, we allow ourselves to stay true to our beliefs and values. This can lead to a more genuine life, as we are no longer held back by the fear of disapproval.
• Do not intrude on other people’s tasks. Shift our interpersonal relationships from vertical to horizontal, treating others as equals. We cannot see others as beneath us, and most importantly, we do not judge others. This will create the gateway to good interpersonal relationships.

“To achieve happiness, we have to shift from self-interest to social interest.”

Adlerian Psychology states that true happiness stems from our connections with other people. This means being part of a community, living in harmony with society, and contributing positively to the lives of others.

What we can do?

• Start with self-acceptance. This is the first step required to make the switch from self-interest to concern for others. We need to like ourselves, feel that we have worth, and believe that we have the ability to make the change before we can contribute to the community.
• Have confidence in others. Trusting others involves letting go of control and having faith in those around us, without any set conditions. As a result, we do not intrude into other tasks. This confidence can lead to the growth of joy in our interpersonal relationships.
• Contribute to the community. We need to feel that people in our community are our comrades, and we seek to contribute to the well-being and betterment of the community. With the feeling of contribution, we will no longer have the need for recognition from others. The more we focus on serving others, the more fulfilled we can feel in our own lives.

Conclusion

I hope this write-up, with the takeaways, has been useful by providing different perspectives and practical ideas on how we can become better versions of ourselves.